Imagine your 20 year old self, when you were ready to graduate and felt the most ready to take on the world! You didn’t know where you were going to end, but you knew you were ready for anything! You felt confident and smart and resilient to fight all odds, win against anything that came your way. You felt no less, never did and were not ready for anyone else to write your story. It was yours to write and you had already begun. Your eyes were filled with fire, not tears. Your heart was filled with optimism and your brain was busy planning your career right. Somewhere in there, you knew you could take on a family too. After all you’ve seen your mom do it and you knew at some point in time you want to be married, to the one who treats you right and equal (this wasn’t negotiable!)
Fast forward to about 12 years from then. Everything seems to be going right. You now have a home in your name, a decent car, a great partner, happy work life….and….a baby! You just had a baby few months ago. You’re on the top of your world personally and professionally. You know there are new heights to be reached at work while you enjoy your little bundle of joy. But wait a second…is it all hunky dory? You know it isn’t! You’ve been a workaholic and an Ace employee at work before you added the mom role to your profile. You know you’re looking out for a leadership role somewhere down the road in the next few years. Your Forecast? Clear blue skis and sunny days. Perfect weather to add a new member to the family now.
But when you did, something doesn’t feel right. Somehow the sun doesn’t come out anymore. You are just now realizing that your perfect partner you had the baby with is unable to breastfeed or feel the pain that you are feeling, not bleeding as much and not spending time recovering from birth and the postpartum body. And while you did the most amazing job of bringing a beautiful new soul in this world, adding a future citizen to this world, you somehow feel lesser than you did before. Genders — gender roles are surfacing. That’s not what you dreamed of when you were thinking of having your family. The guilt – it’s unbearable — whether you decide to focus on family and take a back seat in your career or you decide to go back to work! Both ways, the guilt kills you. For a while you think its your hormones. I’ll come back to that.
Say now that you are back at work after maternity leave. The place seems so new! As if people have moved on and you don’t know them anymore. A couple team members welcome you back excitingly. But now you must tell them that you are unsure of your next project or can’t put in long hours anymore. You are denying meetings because they overlap with your pumping breaks. Instead of catching up on old projects and any new team members, you spend break-time calling up on your nanny/daycare to checkup on the baby. Self consciousness is at its peak, you want to look well, you want to show you are confident, you want to show you are ready and prove that you can handle everything just like before, and actually even more. But it doesn’t seem to match with your today’s reality. Baby food, commute time, nursing bras, belly belts, tumultuous hormones, leaking pads — everything goes through your mind except the topic of the meeting you are running. And now you are filled with never ending self doubt. The confidence you had when you were 20 — You don’t even recognize your self from the past. You feel lost somewhere and your chances for that leadership role — that success you had in mind starts to look bleak and your heart sinks every time you think about it. For a while you think its your hormones, not you. But months pass by and no mom groups feel helpful. There seems no light at the end of the tunnel and the career ladder is looking very very steep and spiraled. The clear blue sky confidence is now replaced with imposters syndrome and you feel locked down in this mode. This is beyond the COVID lockdown, much deeper, with no vaccine possibility.
If that’s you, then I want you to know that that’s me too! What’s beyond that? I want to share with you that I strongly believe the women who make it are as brave as you and me, as resilient as you and me and if you think they did it, there were so many things they didn’t either. That no days ended perfectly and that achievement looks and feels very different than what we had in mind at 20! So (saying to myself) ‘hang in there mom. You got this.’ I often say there’s no guilt free parenting. Remember, our parents have also made many bad mistakes they may or may not admit to and yet we turned out just fine. I definitely don’t have any solutions up my sleeve, nor I feel like I am there yet. But I look for my inspiration each day. Sometimes it is early morning yoga and meditation to find my center, other times it is listening to all of you. I also owe a lot to Lynne Levy in helping me pursue my confidence. She also introduced me to the amazing Brene Brown who has helped me realize the beauty of imperfections, thinking beyond them and the need to surround yourself with people who love you with your vulnerabilities not despite! These are not the only inspiring women in life but definitely more recent. Another thing I have realized in my pursuit is that working moms are not the only ones with self doubt. This can be the story of a new dad as well, or someone who just got into a new role or even a child who is now in a new grade. We have overcome some of these feelings as a child and we shall overcome again. We are in this together and we must uplift each other.
So take a sip of your favorite drink and practice the art of letting go of everything that makes you feel not enough and keep everything else close to that nursing bra you never stop wearing 🙂
Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash
Working Mom Musing 
Leave a comment